Having “The Talk” with your Parents

Yeah, I know it can be uncomfortable to talk about these kinds of things with your parents. They come from a different time (and sometimes a different country)where these topics are  taboo,  but it has to be done.  I’ve done it repeatedly and it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  Come to think of it, it was cathartic and I know my parents felt good about it too.

No, I am not talking about the “birds and the bees.” What I am talking about is health, death and money.

We’d all like to think that our parents will live to a ripe old age, without infirmities and  pass away snug in their beds.   I know I want that for myself- and for my parents- but the reality is that all of us will die of something. Health and Death are not topics to shy away from.  On the contrary, you need to have these discussions with your parents while they are still alive and have the capacity to meaningfully talk about these issues with you. You also need to have this discussion with yourself about your own health and wishes.

The below is a succinct and general post that provides an overview of  the legal documents that serve to protect your parents’ wishes regarding their health, money and death.

Health: Does your parent (or parents) want to be kept alive by artificial means if they were to suffer from a catastrophic injury or illness that would severely impact their quality of life?  Whether the answer is yes or no, your parent needs a Living Will. While the latter is not legally enforceable in New York State, it is a document that is recognized and respected by medical personnel.  Click here to download a copy to read.  It expressly states a person’s wishes regarding medical treatment, artificial respiration and the appointment of a health care agent to carry out those wishes.  In addition, a Health Care Proxy, which is legally recognized,  is also strongly recommended. Like a Living Will, it memorializes a person’s wishes regarding end of life issues but it is a general power regarding medical care and treatment should the principal become disabled. Click here to download a copy to read.

They have religiously conscious health care proxies too, like a Halachic Health Care Proxy that aligns with Jewish law.  Click here to download a copy to read.  In addition, there are reading materials on the internet for Catholic and Orthodox Christians, as well as other denominations, regarding the use of health care proxies.

Money: Does your parent (or parents) have a Last Will and Testament? They should, no matter how big or small their “estate” is. If your parent dies without a will it means they died ” intestate,” which means a headache to obtain and/or dispose of their assets-plus Uncle Sam will take a nice chunk out of it before it ever gets to the beneficiaries.  For some assets, a  Trust is an even better testamentary document for the disposition of assets.  There are different types of trusts and each has a specific function and objective.  And last but not least, the never to be forgotten Power of Attorney.  Necessary.  End of story.

Death: The “Last Will and Testament” can express the testator’s wishes regarding burial or disposition of remains, as well as who or what will pay for it.  In my opinion, there is an even more important document that everyone should have in their legal arsenal,  the  “Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains. Click here to download your own copy. It can designate how  remains are to be disposed (i.e. burial, cremation, spreading of ashes, being buried in your favorite dress, etc.) as well as whether  there will be a wake for the deceased, an open or closed casket,  a religious ceremony (a service or Mass), a graveside prayer, or no prayer at all.

These topics may not be easy to talk about, but once you do and they put their wishes in writing, you will feel as if a big weight has been lifted. I would even venture to say, it’s a good feeling.

So go and have “the talk” with mom and dad, or anyone else you care about.

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